


In is Free, Out Will Be Extra

by Pathologies



Category: Donkey Kong (Video Games), Kirby - All Media Types, Metroid Series, Star Fox Series, Super Mario Bros. (Video Games), Super Smash Brothers, The Legend of Zelda & Related Fandoms
Genre: Donuts, Gen, Office Setting, Slice of Life, Smoking, group meeting, implied waluigi and wario, theyre there in spirit, villain one upping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-29
Updated: 2018-08-29
Packaged: 2019-07-04 08:59:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15838026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pathologies/pseuds/Pathologies
Summary: King Dedede thinks he can roll with the baddies...fate will prove he is a fool.





	In is Free, Out Will Be Extra

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a friend, hope they enjoy it!
> 
> Also if this isn't 100% accurate I'm sorry my knowledge is scanty.

Dedede motions for his faithful subjects to slow with a huffing “Haaaaaaaaaaalt!” as soon as he sees the door. He’s sure it’s the right door. After peeking his head into several doors for the past hour in the Smash Office Complex, he’s sure this is the site of the infamous villain hideout, where all the baddest of the bad hang out and scheme. Mostly party and eat cake, he thinks.

 

“Wait right dere,” the bird utters to them as he flops off the throne, “Once I lay on the ol’ Dedede charm, there’s nothing keeping them from fallin’ in love with yours truly.”  
  
Without further ado, the King throws the door open to….an actual letdown. The table has only a coffee machine and a box of stale donuts. There’s no extravagant decorations, no cool villain stuff, only a few folded chairs and a whiteboard.

 

At the refreshments table a crocodile looked over his shoulder, his expression tired and not wanting to pretend any emotion with this exuberant ham-bird.

 

“Alright, who blabbed?” the King Koopa muttered, sipping at his coffee.

 

A wolf in a jacket and bandanna flips around with his arms flung over the back of the chair to laugh incredulously, “Looks like dinner. We eatin’ out, Rids?”  
  
That statement would be met with a harsh whack of a purple tail across the merc’s back, making the wolf smart as he grimaced and rubbed the back of his head, “Okay no need to say it twice.”  
  
”Let’s not be rude to our guest, Wolf.” Dedede felt a shiver of fear as the giant purple alien landed right by him almost silently, “He must have…a prodigious cunning to have found our little gathering.”  
  
”Yes.” a Gerudo, almost as gargantuan as the alien yet with a stone cold aura like his soul was dripped in the same cold barrel for thousands of years, “Let them speak. We may appreciate some new insight.”  
  
”Yeah, newbie. Open that clearly loud mouth and chomp the bit,” Wolf O’Donnell chuckled.

 

Why was Dedede worried? Clearly these were his people: just some people who looked out for number one, just like him. Dedede would fit in right with these people. Waddling right over, he’s surprised when a crocodile pulls up a seat just for him.

 

“Start with your name,” the Gerudo  said, “Give us your office and title.”  
  
”Well that’s easy! I’m King Dedede! I’m the baddest of the bad!”  
  
”A king you say?” the Gerudo Ganondorf rose, “you may say I am one as well.”  
  
”Enough of maybes!” a crocodile butted in, “I’m royalty incarnate! It’s excellent to see more blue bloods amongst us!”  
  
Dedede beamed, grabbing the crocodile’s hand in an awkward shake, making the king pull back, “Yep yep you’d be right! Any kingdoms I woulda heard of?”  
  
”I’m certain you must have heard of it…Crocodile Island?”  
  
A blank slate face. Nothing.

 

“The one shaped like a crocodile?”  
  
Shakes head, smiles.

 

“It has a laser on it?!”  
  
Nope.

 

“I blew up DK Isles!” Almost.

 

Nada.

 

K Rool fumed, “Why is he here again?!”  
  
”Well look at ‘im,” the King Koopa interjected, “He’s a king. That must mean something.”  
  
”I know you’re…what’s the word? Sceptic-al? But I’m just as bad as alla you! Check this out!” Dedede stood up, wiggling before…inhaling an entire empty row of chairs. Looking absolutely inflated some of the villains snickered before Dedede blows said chairs back out, embedding them right in the wall.

 

K Rool gave a half-hearted clap, “Impressive.”   
  
Wolf leaned back, getting out a cigar, “I’ll say. We got a vacuum.”

 

“No you furry nitwit-soup,” K Rool said, “I believe our royal friend here is severely underestimated. Sure, his face says ‘cuddly toy’, but beneath that fuzzy feathery exterior lies unlimited Power!”  
  
”Strength lies in…most unexpected sources,” the Gerudo said, “I wish to hear how he has gained his power. If it is like my ascendancy…it is a brutal, violent path.”  
  
Dedede, ignoring any red flags, waved off the Gerudo, “Please, gentlemen. I don’t want to take all the floor. I wanna hear how you fine gentlemen came to this classy establishment. Lookin’ at alla you, I can tell you’re just the right kind of crowd.”  
  
”Hmm,” Wolf replied, smirking as he stubbed his cigar on his boot, “Okay, why not? I’ll start. I guess it just came naturally to me: runnin’ down ships, gunnin’ down ships. So many great gigs…got a lot of money. Course, the best gig was buttin’ heads with this old man…then his adult kid after the old man off and died. Like this giant floating head called me up one day and was all ‘need you to take out Star Fox’ and I was all ‘can you believe it?’. Me, gunnin’ after McCloud again! And ever since then it’s been…cat and mouse…’cept we’re both cats. But I’ll get ‘im one day.”  
  
There was a considerable silence.

 

Finally the Gerudo spoke up, “…a non-sequiter at best, Wolf.”

 

“That didn’t have anything to do with anything,” K Rool said.

“Yeah,” Bowser agreed, “That was just about you and your weird obsession with a dad and his adult kid.”

 

“Pretty badass, right?” Wolf grinned.

 

There was a collected murmur of non-consensus. Shruuuug.  
 

Wolf frowned, “Okay, King Coop. What’s your deal?”  
  
”Ha!” Bowser boomed, “I just rule the Koopa Kingdom because I’m that good! I’m so awesome that two lame plumbers are always jealous and try to stop me but I set them on fire. It’s probably because I got like a sweet princess and a bunch of kids. Sure, we’re engaged and it’s technically kidnapping. And SURE, only one of the koopalings are technically ‘mine’…but they’re jealous.”  
  
Dedede swallowed hard, “Kidnapping?” He was kidnapped. What if he gave off a kidnapped aura and this guy, a kidnapper, picked up on it?

 

Bowser glanced on it, “Yeah yeah, Peach is a total…what was the word Iggy used? A ‘tee-sun’. So what if I have to do some light kidnapping? We’re totally in love and stuff.”

 

“And I thought I had issues,” snorted Wolf.

 

“Do you have to turn everything into the peanut gallery?!” roared Bowser.

 

By now Dedede had moved back just a little bit, especially now the Gerudo had spoken up. “Enough. I’ve seen plenty of petty squabbling. I have lived through countless lifetimes, commanded countless armies, felt the fear and resentment of my enemies. But try as they might, many times I’ve placed Hyrule beneath my feet….or left it as ashes. Countless times I’ve lived and died, and I’ve come here for one thing only: to let all of eternity become the princess and the hero of time’s tomb forever.”  
  
Dedede wished he didn’t sweat so much, it must be getting obvious, “You know…good luck with that…seems like a lot of planning to do…”  
  
”I have languished in death.” Ganondorf said, “Doing more planning is merely a recourse. But what say you? What motivates you, bird king?”  
  
This is putting him on the spot…Dedede needed a little more time to think. He guffawed nervously, “Hey! Before we do that…let’s ask the big purple guy about his motives and stuff!”  
  
Ridley landed on the ground with a solid whump, right behind Dedede as his tail poised above the bird, “I’m not so complex as these lifeforms. I have no want for a kingdom when all of space is before my claw…no, I have what you may call a hobby, a scientific interest.”  
  
”Oh boy,” whispered Wolf, receiving another smack from the tail.

 

“...what’s that?” asked Dedede, “Takin’ treasure? Coins?”  
  
”You said the same thing twice,” growled K Rool.

 

“No.” Ridley continued unfazed, “My hobby lies in pain. What better opportunity for study than watching an unsuspecting world ripped asunder, hapless villagers impaled by your tail?”  
  
The bird was shaking. He was way over his head. These guys were way hardcore. He couldn’t stop himself from saying, “Well that’s uh…hardcore.” like a fool.

 

“Succinct.” Ridley grinned, his cold steely eyes face to face with Dedede, “Your go.”  
  
Oh no oh no no, “Wait what about the fella in the armor?!”  
  
”That’s Dark Samus,” Wolf said, “She ah…”  
  
The dark armor growled at a deep frequency, a glowing energy practically bleeding off them as they turned their head to look at Wolf. The merc looked away, taking out another cigar, “Yeah.”  
  
Well…guess Dedede had no choice, “Oh yeah! So it started when I stole aaaaaaall of the food of Dream Land…”  
  
There was an cynical state from all of them. Bowser huffed, “That’s it, food?”  
  
”No there was also the time I got possessed by a dark spirit or somethin’ and nearly beat Kirby!”  
  
”That wasn’t you though,” Wolf said.

 

“...oh well…there was ah….the time I stole the stars!”  
  
”Giant burning balls of gas, several times the size of a planet, reaching temperatures above 8,000 Fahrenheit,” Ridley tried to confirm.

 

“No…” Dedede said slowly, “…just…stars.”  
  
”Ever kidnap anybody?” asked Bowser.

 

“No.”  
  
”Conquer a kingdom?” Ganondorf added.

 

“No…”  
  
”Shoot a guy?” asked Wolf.

 

“No……”  
  
”Raise the dead?” asked K Rool.

 

“No!”  
  
Bowser growled from frustration, “This guy’s a fake! We let some weenie in our club!”  
  
”I suppose first impressions are right,” Ganondorf rose, his fists burning with black magical energy, “And mine told me you were a fool. An impostor.”

 

“I say we tie him to a laser and fire him into Donkey Kong’s home!” K Rool suggested.

 

Wolf sighed, “What’s with you and lasers?”  
  
But already Ridley’s razor-sharp tail end was raised above the bird’s neck, “Simplicity is the mother of invention…and I’m quite inventive…”  
  
”He-hey,” Dedede stuttered, “I’m sure we can work this out…let’s grab coffee…maybe some donuts…”  
  
”We’re out of donuts,” Wolf un-holstered his pistol.

 

This was it, this would be the end of Dedede. He didn’t think he’d be shunned and ultimately mobbed by bad guys…but here he is--until:

 

The door flew open, revealing plain air.

 

“What’s that on the floor?”  
  
Looking down they see a pink blob. Wolf groaned with disgust, “Hold on…I’m gonna kick it off…gotta do everything around here.”  
  
As he raised a boot to kick, the pink blob opened his mouth, inhaling the entirety of Wolf in one breath. He didn’t even have time to scream. Nor did he scream until much further out when Kirby shot Wolf O’Donnell like a bullet through the wall, out the building.

 

Bowser snorted as he charged Kirby, “Lightweight.”

 

But soon the Koopa met the same fate as he was blown straight into K Rool, body slamming them both into the floor, causing a collapse several floors down. K Rool groaned with a resounding, “…ow.”  
  
”…yours, I assume?” Ganondorf asked, growing wary.

 

“Yeah that there’s Kirby.”

 

“I ain’t fightin’ that freak again,” Bowser whined from below.

 

Even Ridley withdrew his tail, shoving the bird to the pink creature, “I fear…no man. But that thing..is something of the void.”  
  
”I’ve never witnessed such power,” Ganondorf remarked, “Your evil surpasses my hatred. You must join us.”  
  
”I don’t want anything to do with that aberration,” hissed the purple alien.

 

But Kirby shook his head, tugging Dedede along. “Okay, okay I’m goin’. Was nice meetin’ y’all…let’s not do it again, I guess.”

 

As they left, Kirby waved at the still seated figure of Dark Samus. Dark Samus waved back.


End file.
